New Year, Same Me

So there’s the big cliche of making a new start in the new year.. Mines a little late.

January so far has been a right shitter. A whole bunch of bad stuff happened, and I’ve generally been a miserable cow. Now its almost out of the way I’ve decided to start trying to better myself, mentally and physically.

I’ve been working a lot more on my degree the past few weeks. Even though I’m shockingly tired all the time thanks to the M.E, I am finding that having a genuine, vested interest in the subject matter has made me actually want to do more. Its working well at the moment as I’m working part time. I finish at 2, come home, rest/nap for a couple of hours then pick it up in the evening. It’ll be interesting to see if I can cope once I have to go back to full time.

Wedding planning is coming along nicely! So we have the venue.. Which is actually at a bike rally hosted by my families bike club (fiance and dad are both members), we have the celebrant booked, and the registry office is booked. We want a big fancy bell tent for the weekend since we’ll be there from the Thursday to the Sunday/Monday, and I don’t want to attempt getting ready in a two man tent! There’ll be live bands, food, drinks and bikes. Super exciting. I was never interested in getting married so I’ve never had any plans for it. This is entirely for Chris. I’d be happy down the registry office with a couple of witnesses, but you can’t win them all.

hq poster

Another MASSIVE cliche I shall be partaking of, is losing weight! I’m joining slimming world with my Mum next week. I haven’t weighed myself since I moved out of my flat and back into my parents with Chris, and everyone tells me I haven’t put any on, but I feel massive and unhealthy. I imagine the M.E plays a big part of it, and like, the fact that I hate every single part of me, but I don’t want to be huge at my wedding. Not when there’ll be photographic evidence. Usually I can avoid ever seeing photo’s of myself, but I suppose I’ll have to see these ones eventually.

Birb Update! He’s still a twat. He’s literally obsessed with stealing any people food he can get his beak into, but I hear that’s not an uncommon trait. His feathers and beak are a lot better now. Much healthier. We’ve started sticking him in the shower with us whenever we shower, since his idea of a wash is sticking his face in his water bowl and flapping around. Its brought his green out beautifully! I doubt he’s ever had a proper shower before so it’s taking a little time to get him used to it, but it’s pretty funny. He likes to sing and wolf whistle, which is a nice little confidence boost when you’re nakey 😉

So those are my plans for Feb onwards. I just want to be healthier and generally happier. I mean, I;m not unhappy, just unhappy with myself.

Things will get better!


Remembering 2018

2018 was a good year for me (mostly). I had a few medical issues I’m still working on. I was off work for a while and had to reduce my hours permanently. At the beginning of the year my Mum was in hospital and ended up having spinal surgery. It took a good few months for her to recover. My Dad actually hasn’t had any major medical issues this year, which is nice! He’s missing an arm and has a bunch of other problems so it’s nice that there isn’t anything to report on than front!

Me and Chris spent our first year together! We got engaged and he moved into my parents with me when the lease on my flat ended so we can save save save. Neither of us are cut out for the rat race and ideally would like to get as off grid as we can in the UK. So for us that means saving for a canal boat! We know it might not be how we live forever. He’d like kids so if I ever agree to that we’ll probably have to live in an actual house at some point. But we figure when it gets to that, we can sell the boat and will already have a nice little deposit for a house.

I started my BA (hons) Illustration with the Open College of the Arts. Well, actually I started on Graphic Design, but decided after 6 months or so it wasn’t for me, and switched. I’m now playing catch up, but I’m enjoying the content a lot more and am trying to make an effort to connect with other students. Distance learning is really hard, and lonely. And I’m always afraid I’m doing it all wrong. But I can only do my best. And obsess over it all the time.

I managed to make it to a year in my current job. It’s always difficult for me to stay in a job for more than a couple of years. I have a depressive episode and I’m really down for months at a time, or the anxiety kicks in and I can’t leave the house because I spent the previous night going through EVERYTHING that could go wrong that day. But apart from a few small blips, I’m coping ok. My manager is a good one and they understand so that helps.

More recently my Nan has been in and out of hospital. COPD. She went in on Christmas day for the last time. She made it through to 2019 and died at 12.15 on January 1st. Not going to lie, I’m not dealing with it. Like, at all. My family are upset. I can’t imagine how my Mum and Grandad feel. I’m not good with feelings, mine or other peoples, and feel terrible about not being able to help them. I come off as cold and uncaring, and don’t do myself any favours by avoiding everyone because of it. I just don’t want to upset people more than they already are because of my apparent un-caring-ness. I do care. I am upset. It’s horrible. I hate it. So it’s better off I hide away and try and do what I can when no one is around.

2019 may have started off horrendously, but there are some good things to look forward to this year.

I have an appointment with a rhumatologist in March. I have a working diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or M.E. I’m super tired, all the time, no matter what. I’m also in a lot of pain, everywhere, for no reason, so that’s really fun. Rhumatologist with either confirm the diagnosis or give me a new one. Admittedly I’m worried its arthritis. But if it is, what can you do? I’ll live with it.

Our wedding is in June! We have done almost zero planning! Should be good! I’m just looking forward to marrying Chris. I don’t care about the wedding. All I need is him.

Saving like crazy for a boat. Who knows, we might even save enough that we can start looking for one by the end of the year! It will be amazing to have our own home. And we’re both willing to put in the work to make it amazing.

Anyway, I’ll cut the super long post off there. It’s a bit of an emotional one for me really. There are a lot of feelings happening that I don’t know what to do with. I’m not a writer, so this is in no way a good log of my year or emotions, and I don’t feel like drawing right now. Tomorrow I’ll try something new. Maybe try and do some Uni work. I dunno.

I’ll figure it out.